• If you are just joining us, it would be a good idea to read through the intro and parts 1 and 2 to get an idea of what is happening, and why it is happening!
Jumping right back in where we left off, I started senior year.
This is going to be a hard post for me. Transparency is the only option, and I pray that God can use what is said for His glory, and that He can speak to you where you are at, especially if you find yourself in a similar situation.
Before we start, I have to say first how incredibly sorry I am to the women who I have treated so unfairly. In my selfishness I stole from you what did not belong to me, what only belongs to your (future) husband. I have done a terrible job of leading and expressing to you God's purpose and love that He has for you, and I can never give back what I've taken. I pray that God can heal you and any pain I have caused, and I pray He can redeem that part of you. I am so sorry.
To those of you who I have affected, and to the women who are reading this now, I want you to know that you are princesses. Not in the Disney sense with flowing dresses and wands and such, but in the way that you belong to the greatest King that has ever lived and will ever live, and you should be treated no less than how a princess should be treated. If you get anything from this blog, I hope this is it. There is so much in the world that says otherwise, but don't be fooled, you are worth so much more.
Up until senior year I didn't have sex. I did pretty much everything but have sex, but I never went the full way. Senior year however, I finally hit the point where I couldn't return. I lost my virginity.
Now, I'm not saying that fooling around with someone is ok as long as you don't go all the way, I want to make that clear. Every time I merely thought about a woman in a sexual manner, I was stealing a part of her that didn't (doesn't) belong to me for Jesus says, "I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).
I say "finally hit the point where I couldn't return" because sex means so much more than fooling around. Sex is a covenant between husband and wife that for the rest of their lives they belong to each other exclusively and they get to enjoy each other fully. Sex is a reward, and you aren't supposed to experience that reward until you have promised to lay your life down for your other half for the rest of the time you're here on earth. Just like a child will spoil dinner if he eats his dessert first. -I plan on doing a post, or series of posts, exploring this a bit further in the future of this blog, so for now I am going to leave it at this and continue with 'My Story'.
I wish this was the only time I had sex, but it was not. I had sex with two more girls in my senior year of high school through the first half of freshman year in college. I do not wear this title proud. I wear it shamefully, and regrettably. I wear it humbly, and can only ask for forgiveness. On my wedding day, my wife will have to look into my eyes, and I will look into hers knowing she will not be the first one I give myself fully to.
Apart from my relationships, I partied more my senior year, and I smoked weed for the first time. I did it to satisfy the insecurities inside of me. The one time I can clearly remember using it turned out to be very dangerous. The guys who offered it to me had a party-hard reputation, and I had to make sure I lived up to that reputation, so I didn't ask many questions. I have never felt more out of control of my own body. It may have been the scariest most intense thing I have ever experienced inside of my skin. To this day, I don't know if it was laced with any other drugs, but the consensus around that night within my group of friends was that it was. I went to stupid lengths to fill that insecurity of not fitting in with the strong possibility of serious consequences. I praise God that I didn't use it more than a couple times at a couple parties, and that I don't have an addictive personality that got me hooked to it.
Senior year was a valley in my life, but at the time it seemed like a mountain top. The funny thing about sin is that it is so enjoyable in the moment that you are essentially blind to what it is really doing to you. If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water it will jump out immediately. If you put it in cold water and heat it gradually until it is boiling, the frog won't have a clue what is happening. This is essentially what happens when you continually sin without repenting and turning away. Small sins continually add up, and before you know it, things that were once pure and special don't matter as much as they used to. You sear your conscience. Mine was seared, and there was nothing I was doing or could do to bring myself back. And I wasn't seeking to find a way back.
The week before spring break of my freshman year in college, my girlfriend and I broke up. I didn't know at that specific time what was really happening, but looking back, this was the precise moment when God started calling me into a personal relationship with Him.