• If you are just joining us, it would probably be a good idea to start with the introduction to 'My Story' to get an idea of what is happening, and why it is happening.
My parents are divorced, and have been since I was around two years old. I am also an only child. So, growing up has had its challenges.
To say the least, my family life has been a broken one.
As I stated before, I didn't grow up a Christian. I didn't grow up religious at all. My mom took me to Catholic church a couple times, but I was too young to understand religion, and being at home with my dad the subject wasn't brought up. As a result, Godly values were foreign to me, and because of this I had no bearing on what was ultimately right or wrong.
At a very young age (around 5 or 6) I was introduced to pornography. I had ready access to magazines and websites that I shouldn't have had access to. I learned and saw things I shouldn't have known at that age, and shouldn't even know until I am married. This early access to porn had birthed in me a lust that would grow and grow into a seemingly unquenchable monster.
I'm assuming you guys didn't think this was going to get this heavy so quickly, but I'll quote Jimmy Needham, and incredible Christian artist, when he was asked why he talks openly about his previous addiction to porn and he says, "who else is going to, if I don't?" And because God has charged me to tell everything, here goes. It's gonna get dirty.
I don't have an addictive personality, so I can't say for a fact that I was "addicted" to porn, but I excessively indulged in my lust starting from my early exposure to it. What I wouldn't understand, until God revealed the truth after I started following him, was the incredible insecurity that would develop from my lustful appetite. I had a skewed vision of a woman. The beauty of a woman was completely perverted to me now. Instead of being God's pure, gentle, beautiful creation, I looked at "her" as a sexual object to feed my selfish desires.
The more I stole that pure, intended beauty from women in the form of lust, the more I became insecure about my relationships with women (or in this case girls). I didn't know how to treat a girl, because what I knew was what I saw in movies or in magazines. The friends I hung out with also gave into their lust, so I didn't have a community around me pushing me towards a righteous mindset. I wasn't learning at home, at school, or anywhere else the correct way to treat a woman, and it was setting me up for some of the biggest falls in my life.
My insecurity in relationships with girls bled over into an insecurity with myself. This is a result of sin that is sometimes overlooked I think. Sin is a turning away from God, essentially you are trying to act on your own as if you know better instead of relying on his solid, infallible word to guide you Romans 14:23 "...for whatever does not proceed from faith is sin." Because I was turning away from Him and trying to do relationships my way, what I had to go on was what my friends said was cool, or worthy. I was worthy only if I was cool. I was cool if I looked at porn. I was cool if I swore. I was cool if I listened to punk rock and skated (skate boarded) where I wasn't supposed to.
My whole goal was to be cool, so in turn I would be accepted. I feared so much that I wouldn't be accepted, that I wouldn't be popular, and this drive to be accepted only fueled my lustful and perverted passions through elementary and middle school. What I didn't know was God holds the ultimate acceptance, He holds the satisfaction that porn or popularity would never be able to give me.
In high school, I would start to learn how unsatisfactory the way I was heading was.