• If you are just joining us, it would be a good idea to read through the introduction - Part 3 to get an understanding of why and what is happening!
I had no idea what to do. I just broke up with someone I spent over a year of my life with. I relied on this someone for saving me, and in the blink of an eye I no longer had my "rock" to hold on to. I was completely lost.
You see, because of my past of not having a womanly presence in my life (dad got custody in the divorce) and my social insecurities of needing to feel included or wanted, I looked to women for that security. I fed off of having a girl in my life who could be the one I turned to when things started getting rocky. This is what I knew, this is what was comfortable for me, this was my "saving grace." But God showed up in an incredible way after the break up; I definitely didn't think so at the time, but He began to show me that saving grace comes from nobody but him.
Spring break was incredibly hard, but luckily I had a good friend who stepped in to fill the gap. The Friday before break actually started he coaxed me into going to TheMILL with him. TheMILL is a college gathering here in Colorado Springs. I didn't want to go; I was heartbroken and just wanted to figure things out on my own. But, my friend wasn't going to let me off that easily. He assured me that I would enjoy it. So I went.
That night was the first night I met Christ.
I wasn't a Christian. I believed there was a "higher power," but I definitely didn't subscribe to this Jesus stuff and I wasn't really looking to. But Jesus had a different plan for me. It was like the sermon that night was written directly for me. I remember feeling shocked, maybe even a little bit scared because everything that was coming out of the college pastors mouth spoke directly to what I was going through; he was speaking to me. There wasn't anything he said that night I could brush off like it didn't matter. Every single word hit me in the center of my chest, sank deep into my soul, and started brewing.
I could feel it. I could literally feel my heart burning, like it was the only thing living inside of me. What the heck was going on? I felt like the world was opening back up; like I was locked in a room without windows in pitch black, and suddenly the door was cracking open spilling a sliver of light inside. I remember starting to cry.
I never felt something so intense, something so captivating. It was filling me up, but I couldn't get enough of it! This was God's love being poured out on me in an incredibly tangible way. He was saying, "I'm available, and if you come to me I will never let you go."
After TheMILL had ended, my buddy and I hung out that Friday night until about 4 in the morning drinking mate' at our hang out spot in Manitou Springs. I was asking him questions, he was telling me about God, and the whole night was steeped in a weird peace I couldn't quite put my finger on but I wasn't looking to get away from it. I accepted Jesus into my heart that night.
But, unfortunately, I don't think I really meant it.