Absolutes

Psalm 5 - "For you are not a God who delights in wickedness; evil may not dwell with you. The boastful shall not stand before your eyes; you hate all evildoers. You destroy those who speak lies; the Lord abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love, will enter your house." (my emphasis added)

There are a lot of daggers being thrown around lately, all deeply engraved with the words "love" and "hate". There's been a lot of fires lit with the wicks of tongues spitting profane acclamations as fuel for the forest set ablaze by opinions of groups and individuals aimed at making their desires known and upheld. 

Attacks on the Christian way of thought have been constant, and one argument I continue to hear is this one: "How can you, Christian, disagree with what I say/do? God is LOVE. Nothing else. You therefore need to follow his lead and love others by toleration." 

The argument rings with truth, but it's a faint ring overpowered with booms of pride and incomprehension.

While I was reading my bible today, Psalm 5 jumped out at me. And it spoke directly to this argument. 

God is not just "LOVE", but "RIGHTEOUS" Love. Righteousness is a legal term-- "the quality of being morally right or justifiable." As the above passage demonstrates, God can both love and hate and still be a good God. Anyone can agree that it is good to "hate" evil - the confusion is in definitions of good and evil though. And for that:

"When you say there's evil in this world you assume there's good. When you assume there's good, you assume there's such a thing as a moral law on the basis of which to differentiate between good and evil. But if you assume a moral law, you must posit a moral Law Giver." - Ravi Zacharias

All good and evil must be measured against one another; if it isn't good it is evil. And, if there's a measurement to be done, there has to be a rule of measure that is absolute, otherwise the measurements mean nothing. ie: who's going to tell me how long an inch is if I have no absolute measurement to declare the length of an inch? The ruler in my hand is made up of 12 inches, yet without the boundary on each side of the ruler letting me know the distance of an inch contained, I have no way of telling someone the correct measurement of a foot. Therefore, the walk from my couch to the fridge and back to grab a beer might as well be 1000 miles. 

If we assume there is such thing as good and evil, there has to be a moral absolute, and for that absolute to truly be absolute, there has to be a moral law giver that knows the true measurements of each. I have yet to find/hear of anyone on earth that can accomplish that, so:

I submit the God of the bible.

One thing to remember, the moral absolute implies an authority to declare "right" and "wrong". The one who knows 100% right and 100% wrong has the authority to tell others the same. Therefore, under that authority, If you are never declared wrong in your actions how will you ever learn to be right? I think we can all agree that none of us, or anyone we know/have known, has ever been 100% right. Thus, if God says something is wrong, he is in turn showing you what is right. And we can all agree that what is "right" is the "good" thing to do/be, thus God is proving himself to be loving while still hating the evil he is justly declaring wrong. 

God IS love, which is extremely important and beautiful. BUT, conditionally, his love is righteous deeming evil to be evil, wrong to be wrong, right to be right, good to be good. If we try to separate God's righteousness from his love, we are in effect claiming to be the moral law giver and thusly exclaiming to know the 100% absolutes of both wrong and right/evil and good. I think we can agree, that's wrong. 

I love thee too little

Watch this video first.

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/jesus-and-cerebal-palsy

“He loves Thee too little, who loves anything together with Thee, which he loves not for Thy sake.” - St. Augustine

God has graced me with a healthy body, abilities and talents, food, shelter, warmth, free time, money, friends, loved ones, laughter, joy. The list continues. 

I spend all of it on myself. 

I'm foolish to think that everything I have isn't a gift, and that it is all for me to consume for my enjoyment only. 

What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it? (1 Corinthians 4:7)

Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:16-17)

Everything we have is a gift; a grace from God. He has graced us with that - feast or famine - for us to worship. 

I'm rarely looking up for what I have. Instead I get blinded by the shine of earthly things, and forget that I did nothing to deserve them; in fact, I did everything to not deserve them. 

Let's refocus on the importance of what we have - Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ (Phillippians 3:8). 

My not having the latest and greatest doesn't compare to the trials of living a life crawling on a rug with cerebral palsy.

He knows the crawling on the ground for 70-100 hard years with CP doesn't compare to the worth of knowing Christ for eternity. O, that I would have that kind of faith. 

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. Psalm 27:4

When God Breaks Your Heart

I'm sitting in the coffee shop watching an elderly man what looks like apply for a job at Mimi's Cafe (a restaurant here in Colorado Springs and probably elsewhere). He's wearing blue and white pinstripe overalls, reminiscent of a train conductor, over a button down shirt with chevy trucks from the 1940s all over it and sketchers shape up shoes. He has glasses, white curly hair and a white mustache that curls up at the ends.

I noticed his wedding ring on his left hand - and then his wife came over to see him. Her sweet southern voice let him know it was 5 o'clock and that maybe they should go. She walked back over to the cushioned seat to continue reading her magazine, and I glanced at her shoes. They are red, sparkly UGG boots. Something like a 21st century Dorothy from Kansas would wear. I marvel at how comfortable both of them are, where they are, and who they're with.

I've been watching this guy for the last hour while working on a wedding video.

I notice his concentration over the keyboard, typing with one finger at a time. The text on the screen is magnified by 5x at least, probably so he can see it in his old age (I'm guessing mid 60s to early 70s). To his left on the table he has a Spelling Dictionary, which has me thinking why? What is this guy's story?

I don't know for a fact so it is purely inference, but all of this together - his unordinary fashion, his slow moving on the computer, the dictionary, and applying for a position at a restaurant at his old age - makes it seem like he is a simple man; that maybe he isn't as smart or intelligent as an average person his age would be.

God started to break my heart.

What kinds of obstacles has this man been through? What kind of diversity has he faced? What hardships has he endured to be where he is right now? How many times has he been written off? How many times has he been laughed at, judged, ridiculed, dismissed?

But, the one question that summed it all - does he feel loved.

Then God turned me inward. How many times have I laughed at, judged, ridiculed, dismissed someone instead of loving them where they are?

You may say, "Sean, chill. Don't you think you are blowing this out of proportion - especially when you don't know the true story behind this guy?"

But, I say forget the man. The question is - how many times have I done something to someone other than love them where they are?

And the reality is, I have a handful of examples in the last week alone.

The scary part is, I didn't notice them until right now. Until God showed me using an example of someone else's (perceived) misfortune.

-

I didn't tell you the beginning of this story.

He walked in from outside and stood there a minute looking for somewhere to sit. The long table, which is usually used by people working on computers since power outlets are close by, had one seat open at the end across from a couple in their late 40s. The woman there was wearing a shirt that said "I'm a PC developer." They both had computers and were typing away and conversing about what they were working on. Again, just inference, but by her shirt and their focused discussion on their work led me to believe they were intelligent folks working on an important project like web development or design or something. Their stuff - purse, laptop bags, etc. - was kind of strewn across their side and across the halfway mark of the table. The man walked over to sit in the available seat, and as he stood behind the open chair, the couple glanced at each other and gave disgusted looks as to what he was thinking. They reluctantly nudged their belongings enough to fit a laptop in the empty space so he could sit down and said nothing but continued to work. Quietly the man sat and placed his laptop down, while the husband again pulled his case closer so it wouldn't be touched. The wife frowned a little and scoffed.

-

I know this reaction. I have done it many times. Instead of offering a seat at the table, I pass unjust judgement.

Why don't I notice this as a diseased condition of my heart? And how many other things do I not notice because I have my head down?

Maybe this man wasn't applying for a job at Mimi's. Maybe he was doing an online survey for the restaurant, and maybe the dictionary was there to look up how to spell hard words like 'baccalaureate', I don't know. What I do know is I fail to notice my sin and neglect to love when God tells us that without LOVE, everything is worthless (1 Corinthians 13).

God chose to wake me up today by showing me through a random person how broken I am. I get caught up in my life and constantly miss the grace that is ever present in every single situation. My plea to you guys is to slow down and think about where you are at right now. Are you aware of the grace surrounding you? Are you acting in love? Are you offering a seat at the table?

Thank God for showing me this today.

Take another 10 and read this blog post I read today that goes hand in hand with mine - http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/lay-aside-the-weight-of-discontentment

Now and later

I'm re-reading chapters in an incredible book that I 100% recommend to each of you who is reading this right now! The book is called 'Not By Sight' and it is written by Jon Bloom. Super cheap on Amazon. You won't be sorry.

There is a statement in here that hit me profoundly tonight. It reads, "much of the Christian life is spent trusting Jesus now and understanding him later."

I'm living this statement right now, and I can assume many of you are as well.

Isaiah 55:8-10 says "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (ESV)

Another translation says it like this, "my ways are far beyond anything you can imagine."

When you come to the crossroads of faith and understanding, remember how the straight and narrow path is walked... 'Not By Sight' (applause for the sweet plug).

To break it down, according to the bible, there is a being outside of time who has always existed (never not existed, ever) from everlasting to everlasting, and he created beings and confined them to the boundaries of time and space which bind everything here on earth (including our minds, thoughts, feelings, actions, etc.). SO, to understand an infinite being who is FAR beyond our wildest imagination is quite impossible here on earth due to our boundaries: we literally cannot comprehend a being outside of time because time is our vehicle through life. It is like trying to understand a 18-wheel semi-truck when you've spent your whole life in a Prius, surrounded by other Prius', and never seeing a semi but only hearing that it exists. That is a dumbed down metaphor, obviously, but it drives (hehe) the point home I hope.

That leaves us with only one option: since we can't fully understand (fully, being 100% understood like 2+2=4), that leaves us with a percentage of understanding that can only be made up by faith that an answer exists and that it is good and just.

Welcome to the Christian life.

Remember this next time you come to those crossroads. Don't waste your faith on trying to understand fully what can't be fully understood right now.

Sow through tears; Reap with shouts of JOY!

It's been hard the last 2 months to get excited for things; to want to work, write, sing, play, create. I feel like the color in the world has become a mess of grays. Ever feel like that?

If you have, or are feeling like this, take 5 minutes and read this article. Then go sow. http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/talking-to-your-tears

Tears

Psalm 56:8 "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"

2 Corinthians 7:10 "For Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death."

Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him..."

"My tears have been my food day and night"(Psalm 42:3), and boy am I full. But, have faith and take heart, because each tear is counted and recorded in our Savior's mighty book of life. Not a single drop shed is in vain or without purpose. Why? Because God created us with the ability to cry. He could have left that one out, but for his divine purpose he gave us tear ducts and feelings and pits in our stomach to drive us to tears. There is something incredibly beautiful about that truth.

As heart-wrenching as tears may seem at times, have faith that the one who is producing those tears inside of you has a created purpose with each one. He knows you inside and out, through and through, from beginning to end, and he knows EXACTLY what tears right now mean to next week and beyond. So cry, but cry to the Lord understanding that he isn't leaving you behind. He is right here right now, next to you holding your hand and feeling every sting in tandem with your heart beat.

John 11:35 "Jesus wept."

Waiting...

Have you ever wanted something so bad you can feel it down to your bones? Has there ever been an unknown in your life you constantly and persistently focus on? Have you ever lost sleep over something that isn't in your control at all, but no matter how hard you try you can't give it up?

If you said yes to any of these questions, this blog post is for you.

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! (Psalm 27)

What does patience mean? What does waiting on the LORD mean? I'm currently in the thick of finding out exactly what the answer to these questions is.

You see, six months ago I decided to fast something very important to me for a year to get closer to Christ. Though this sounds incredible in writing, truthfully it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my entire life.

I've noticed that when I fast, and I assume this is consistent with others, it brings out in me the desires and sins that pull me away from God. When you decide to give up something, your true heart behind that something is exposed. When you decide to fast food (no pun intended) for a period of time, you find out how much weight you give to those meals (again, no pun intended) and how much you rely on them for satisfaction, and in essence saving. If you love food too much, as you fast you can't stop thinking about that juicy cheeseburger, and as a result idols are brought to the surface you may not even have noticed were there.

Additionally, your trust is chained by that desire for your next meal. "God, if you just tell me that my next meal is happening on time and the way that I want it to, I'll trust you in these next couple hours to provide for me." Haven't we all thought something along those same lines before?

As a result, what started out as a worship commitment to Christ has turned into the catalyst for the repeal of your heart back to yourself and your own provision. "God, I know this is what will be my satisfaction, and as soon as I get it I will be able to worship you, but until then I'm going to give this my attention." Sound familiar?

My biggest issue through this fast has been trust. "Are you REALLY going to provide exactly what I need LORD, or should I rely on my own strength and wit to ensure that next meal? Can you just show me the plate, or even the menu so I can feel better about this? One french fry, that's all I need..."

The answer is: we don't walk by sight, we walk by faith.

This doesn't necessarily mean what we desire in our heart won't be the end result, it just means that as we walk by trusting Him and waiting on Him, we can let his perfect timing unfold into something more spectacular than what we have imagined. I so badly want that cheeseburger that I'm too nervous to trust Him for it, not knowing what he has for me is a three course steak dinner.

So I'll end with this: we are so used to seeing strength and courage within huge muscles and a six pack, a go-getum attitude, and a raw instinct to do it yourself, right? What God is saying to us is sometimes the strongest most courageous thing you can do, is to do nothing at all. For where does strength come from anyways? - "The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." Psalm 28:7

Ready For Love? PART 2

I found out this week that this show has been cancelled. If I'm honest, this makes me happy ha!

But, that isn't the point of PART 2. So, we shall move on.

I had a post for you guys, but I think I'd much rather you read this. This pretty much blows anything I could write out of the water:

Rich and Christy's story - excerpt from 'Boy Meets Girl' by Joshua Harris

After you read this, try thinking about what love really is.

In one of my favorite movies called Anchor Man (if you haven't seen it do it right now), in a hysterical scene a character named Brick names off things in an office that he loves. "I love lamp." THAT is the famous quote I use almost too much.

Hopefully without ruining the comedy of the movie, I think that is how we often approach love. It's objectified. We don't take the time to really experience true, romantic, engaging to the core love; instead, we settle for the simple lamp type of love that is fleeting and selfishly motivated, and in the end doesn't mean what we are saying. It wasn't designed that way, but in our sinfulness we have made it that way. Not always, but I have seen this pattern often.

So, should we pursue the "I love lamp" kind of love, or should we pursue the "I will do anything and everything to serve you for the rest of our lives" kind of love? I'm gonna say the second one.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The Storm I Need PART 2

"In God's design for our trials there is a place for real, authentic grieving and distress. But this experience is fundamentally altered from the way the world experiences these things. We see a design in it all. And so our root stays planted even though the branches thrash in the wind. And the leaves remain green and the fruit keeps growing because our roots go down by the stream of God's sovereign grace - and we trust him for a good design."

- John Piper, sermon

How often would you say that when you go through some sort of trial that the minute you ask God to "take this away" he snaps his fingers and you're home free?

For me, I'd say not often at all. And, for that I am truly grateful... sound crazy to you too?

My favorite story in the bible comes a few chapters after our first water experience with Jesus. In Matthew 14:22, the disciples again find themselves in a boat, in the middle of the sea, being "beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them" (14:24). They had been battling the wind and waves for a while because it says, "in the fourth watch of the night he (Jesus) came to them, walking on the sea." This freaked them out because they thought he was a ghost so they "cried out in fear"; understandable. I see a dude walking on water in a storm coming straight at the boat after hours of no sleep and physical exertion trying to stay afloat, I'd probably be thinking something along those same lines.

"Immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, 'take heart; it is I, Do not be afraid. (14:27)'" Then Peter asks Jesus to command him to come, walking on water, to where Jesus was standing. And Jesus said "come." So Peter got out of the boat, walked over to Jesus, but then saw the wind and the waves and started to sink into the water. "Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt? (14:33)'" So Jesus walked Peter back to the boat, they got in, and then the wind and waves ceased.

The disciples spent 3 watches of the night beating waves back from the boat and wrestling the sea before Jesus came to them; 3 long, exhausting watches. What should that say about God in the midst of our trials? My first observation of this passage is this: God allows us to go through trials and suffering. If we believe what the good book says about an all-knowing all-capable God, then we should understand that Christ knew exactly what was happening out there and he could have easily stepped in right away, or even rebuked the storm at the first hint of a breeze so the disciples wouldn't have been tossed around.

But James 1:2 tells us to "count it all joy, my brothers (and sisters), when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." God allows us to endure trials knowing that in the end, we will be all the more steadfast in faith, and that will bring the most glory to the Father which is the ultimate goal in our walk.

May I quickly point out that God wasn't absent in their 3 watches; God provided the strength for each row, each deep gasp of breath, and kept them afloat safely above the water. Don't ever forget that!

My second observation is what happened to Peter as he was walking toward's Jesus. As his eyes were fixed upon his savior, he was stepping firm on top of the water. But, the minute he took his eyes off of Jesus and focused on the wind and waves he started to sink and cried out, "Lord save me!" (Matt 14:30). As long as we fix our eyes on the one who saves, we can be assured that we are safe no matter the circumstance.

But let's continue digging: Peter started to sink and cried out, "Lord save me!". What is interesting is that he had enough time to say that whole phrase without going head under. What this has to mean is that Jesus was allowing Peter to sink SLOWLY! If that doesn't blow your mind right away, take a few minutes and think about it - the physics of walking on water, and the metaphors surrounding the entire event. Why did Christ allow him to sink slowly instead of letting him submerge instantly? I'm betting that it was a way to show Peter, in a trial-filled situation, how much Christ was actually in control. Sinking inevitably lead Peter to cry out knowing full well that Christ was the only one who could save him.

Sometimes we are called to walk on water in the middle of a storm. As we do, we can either focus on the one calling us understanding he has the power to see us through to the end, or we can become distracted by the wind and waves around us and start to sink.

•   •   •

We can be assured that we will see trials and sufferings of various kinds in this life, we were never promised the easy road (Matthew 7:14). But, we can be encouraged that every trial is designed by God himself, and that through our suffering we are molded and shaped by his hands so we can better endure, through steadfastness, a faith in Christ. Count every trial as a blessing, because it means God loves you and is interested in creating a more complete you through your suffering.

Steel is refined by the fire.

Ready For Love? PART 1

The first time I saw the preview for this show a month ago in the movie theater, I knew this post was coming.

Please, bear with me here and try to read all of the parts, this may be long...

Tonight was the premier of a new show called 'Ready For Love', and yes I did watch it - which is undoubtedly going to get me goofed on in the near future - but only to make sure my pre-conceived notions were true. Alas, what I found was very close what what I thought I would see portrayed on television. 

Let me give you a quick rundown synopsis of this show: 3 renowned match makers have 4 women each that they are coaching for our one lucky bachelor, and at the beginning of the show our man has to pick 3 women from those 4 whom he would like to get to know throughout the season. The bachelor is on stage with a wall between these 4 women, who protrude from the floor in human size boxes, and they each get 30 seconds or so to tell them why he should pick them - this is all done so he can't see their faces. He picks 3 from each match maker's team for a total of 9 women that he will get to date. They all get put into a house with each other that is littered with pictures and nic-nacs of our bachelor strewn on the walls and such. Then we see them all on a group date together with him, and also some separate one-on-one time between the key girls for this episode. 

After the date portion, we go to the match maker decision round where they place all the girls on stage in front of the match makers and proceed to pick apart the one-on-one times the girls had. In this, the girls get criticized on how they act, speak, what they say during their dates, and how each action made the bachelor feel. They then pick the bottom 3 out of all the girls for our bachelor to pick one from to send home. Eventually, the ultimate goal at the end of the season is to whittle down to a final 2 or something, and the one girl who wins will marry our lucky bachelor. It's kind of like the voice mixed with the bachelor mixed with survivor with a Jerry Springer cherry on top. 

Whew. 

I'm going to start with the girls rising from the floor in boxes. You kind of have to see it for yourself to understand, so look it up on youtube. Here's my beef with this - you have a dude and an audience picking what girls they want from boxes on stage. What I see is 4 barbie dolls in packaging that we choose who we want to play with for the next 3 months (or however long the season is). 

Next are the match makers. Undoubtedly there are gifted people in the world who understand qualities in humans that pair nicely with each other - I mean, why else would e-harmony have the most marriages of any other dating site, right? Here's my beef with this - they give the 10 steps to winning his heart, and how to separate yourself from this pack of girls all fighting for that same guy. And then, at the end, they pick apart every girl's action during the date like it is a homework assignment given by the science teacher at school. AND THEN, they in all of their amazing mind-reading knowledge of how each woman effected him get to choose which 3 they are going to let the bachelor pick from to send home. WHAT?!

Finally, on the grandeur scale, the game-show aspect of 'falling in love'. Here is my beef with this - If it is a game show, I'd argue you aren't really falling in love. The person you are trying to win for yourself has become an object of want or the #1 prize. I don't doubt there might be some true feelings in there, but let's be honest and say that the goal here is to win on a reality t.v. show. 

I could go on, but these are the top 3 on my list. 

This you guys, this is NOT love. It may be marketed as such, but love is not about winning a tv show. You can win the heart of that someone special of course, but that is done at the altar. There are no "10 steps to falling in love, or your money back guaranteed!' The universal definition of 'falling in love' is a person becoming so infatuated with the other that you can't help but think about her every second of the day for countless days on end. You wait around until the phone call at the end of the night to just talk, about absolutely nothing, for 3 hours, sitting in the window of a gazebo outside. Tell me where the 10 steps to that is? Love has never been about fighting each other, it has always been about fighting FOR.

I want to be able to look my possible future wife in the eyes and tell her I'm fighting for you, every single day. I'm battling my selfishness, my pride, my lust, my unbelief so that I can best serve you for the rest of our lives. There might be other dudes in the picture that have feelings for you, but I'm not focused on beating them, I'm focused on preparing to love you every second through rain or shine.

Love is about dying to yourself for the other, ALWAYS. (More on this in the future sequels...)

This type of love will never (and I admit that is a loaded word, because I can't guarantee it, but with the way we are going as a culture...) be portrayed on any game show you'll see during a prime-time spot on network television.

We constantly turn love into an object, and we are going to see how that effects us in part 2. But, before we end this one, I have to point something out regarding the ladies in the boxes.

Women, YOU ARE NOT OBJECTS. You are never to be lined up side by side and picked like I'm picking a kick ball team at recess (and I will use "never" because I can guarantee it this time). Your worth will never be defined by what others (men and women) think about you, but it is defined about what God says about you. It took me the better part of 20 years to start understanding that, so take it from someone who has been on both sides (refer to the 'My Story' posts on this blog). Fellas, same goes for us, but we have to step up as leaders and defend our better halves here.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you what shows to watch and not to watch, but what I do hope to do is challenge your perceptions on the portrayal of love these popular shows present to us. We are in danger of doing great harm to how we love each other if we buy into what hollywood and prime time tell us.

I will say though, Ben Rector was played tonight on the show. That was probably my favorite part. 

The Storm I Need PART 1

I'll preface this post with a verse we all know from Romans: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

I've been studying through the book of Matthew for a while, and my goal has been to get a solid 30 minutes of study before the day starts each morning. It has been incredibly fruitful. This last week, however, has been the most incredibly grace filled week for fruit producing I have seen in quite some time. We're talking Welch's warehouse fruitful.

I'll start by explaining a passage that I've been over a thousand times before that hit me like a semi-truck this week. Jesus and his disciples are crossing the sea in a storm. The boat is being swamped by the waves (think "A Perfect Storm" style), and Jesus is sleeping. The disciples wake him and say, "Save us, Lord; we are perishing." And Jesus replies, "Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?" (Matthew 8:23-27)

I want to point out something crucial here that I have read over constantly - "Why are you afraid?"
What a question to ask in this situation.

I have a terrible fear of deep water. I dislike not being able to see what's under me, because let's face it, only around 10% of the earth's water has been explored. That means there is a shark under there that is the size of Manhattan and it wants to eat the boat I'm on. That's neither here nor there, but what remains is this valid discomfort I get from open water. And when a storm is added to that situation, things go south real quick. So, if I'm a disciple in this situation, I'm freaking out and wondering why Jesus could ask such an incredible question.

There are some interesting things surrounding the dialogue between Jesus and the disciples. To their credit, they know to ask him for saving. They have been traveling with him for the last few weeks or so seeing him do miracles right in front of their eyes, so they have some idea that Jesus is Lord, but let's break down Jesus' response.

First, Jesus was sleeping. Let's not forget that. He was calm enough to zonk out, which should lead us in his question. I think what we have to ask ourselves is what was he really saying to the disciples in that moment? Jesus knew that the Father works everything together. His fingers are manipulating every single event in our lives down to how many breaths we take during a given hour (Matthew 6:27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his life?). He also knew the promise of the Lord that what happens is good for everyone who loves him. In that promise is the guarantee of everlasting life in heaven. Now, being disciples of Jesus, who is Lord, would you agree that they should understand that promise too? That being followers of him, they are adopted into that promise through his blood on the cross (which hasn't happened yet in the story, but He has given them enough at this point to understand they are involved in redemption) has accomplished for every single believer?

So here is what Jesus is really saying to the disciples with those 4 words I believe: "You guys, have you not been with me healing lepers, blind men, casting out demons, etc.? Have you not seen the promises my Father gave me through his prophets and scriptures being fulfilled completely in our days together? Have you listened, really listened to the words I've been preaching all this time about our salvation? So why do you even need to ask me to save you from this storm if we know where we are going to end up? My father told us we will make it to the next day, so why are you afraid of this one?"

I have been asking God to help me with my prayer. When you ask God for something, He usually doesn't just snap his fingers and give you what you want. If you want patience, he gives you opportunity to be patient. So, this week, He gave me opportunity to pray. I have been building this awesome life in my head with ultimate chick flick romanticism and superhero strength and ride off into the sunset allure, and He took it away. He also zapped me with a pretty crazy health issue that I'm seeing a doc for on Wednesday... I wanted help praying? Well, here, you can't do anything but pray for these things.

The fear of the storm I was suddenly being tossed around by drove me to say "save me Lord; I am perishing!" And He looked at me and said, "why are you afraid?"

This is how the story ends, and I left it out until now on purpose: "Then he rose and rebuked the waves and the sea, and there was a great calm." Jesus is still willing after my lack of faith to save me from my storm. Does he always make the storm stop? No, not every time as we will see in part 2. But, he is always willing to save us in our time of need. 

I shouldn't be afraid, because I have him. And if I have him, I know I have everything I need. I may be covered by waves, they may even sting as they hit me, but I know that he is faithful. What is tomorrow? I don't know, all I know is the promise that is true today, right now- "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" (Matthew 6:33).

Wine and Whining

Hey. It's been a couple minutes. But it's good to see you.

God has been "owning me" (quote from my friend miss Van Allen) for the past few weeks, and I thought it would be a good time to start writing again. So here we go...

A good friend and I have started an accountability group together: Sunday nights, a sweet lounge downtown, and a glass of wine. I've never liked wine, but somehow over the last few months I've developed a palette for it. I'm starting to understand the essence of a good glass of wine.

My dad used to ask me when I was little, sarcastically of course, if I wanted cheese with my whine. I hated that saying. I still do.
 -- I was trying to slyly entertain both whine and wine together in a witty play on words to drive a cool point to this blog post, but I've been away too long and I'm rusty, so I got nothin. 
To get to my point anyways, through these last few weeks of accountability, God has shown in me how incredibly angry I am, and how my anger is like incessant whining.

You see, anger comes from a sense of being wronged in some sort of way. "He did this to me," "she said this," "I got stiffed at work on tips," I'm sure you can fill in some as well. For me, I have felt let down in a handful of cases lately. What I want I don't get, so I get angry at the person for not adhering to my desires. There is a righteous anger, one demonstrated by Jesus as he stood on a table and whipped at people for using the church as a market place, but I'm on the other type of anger. The unrighteous anger.

Why is this anger unrighteous? Because it is a work of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21). Anger does not come from a faith in God. Anger says I know what I need, and if I don't get it I'm going to have a fit of rage (like it will help the situation...silly me). So I whine to God and say, "well he doesn't want to do this, and I need this so that I can move forward, and he won't do it!" Then I thrash wildly on the ground, kicking and screaming trying to get my way. Or, in reality, I close up and become bitter and treat the other person so coldly that I can almost see my breath.

But God, so patient and kind and loving, looks down on me and says "son, why are you treating Me like this?"

I want to stop here, because I want you to see something important. When God showed me this, It brought me straight down to my knees.

I close up and become bitter and treat the other person so coldly I can see my breath, but God looks at me and asks why I'm treating Him (God) the way I am. Who are we really aiming at when we get angry? Who really receives the blows from our inner rants? Who are we really blaming when things don't go our way?

"You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether" Psalm 139:3-4. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28. God knows exactly when and how something is going to happen in our life, before it happens, because He has planned it from the beginning. "Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done." He has His will for us, so when I am angry with someone for not doing what I want them to do and I lash out in bitterness or some other form of resentment, it isn't that person I am angry at...

I'm angry at God.

Do you see how that works? In God's sovereignty he has declared a will for me, and in some cases my desires and His will don't match, and when that happens I treat whatever or whoever the situation involves with a negative demeaning attitude. I'm essentially telling God that I know better than He does, and more than that, I'm blaming God for what doesn't go my way by acting foolishly. If God plans and works together EVERYTHING (all things) for His purposes, can anybody else be responsible for what happens, besides God? The answer is a resounding NO!

If there is anger in your life, like there is mine, step back from yourself for a few minutes and reflect on the situation a little bit. Whatever is making you angry is happening for a reason, it isn't just a cosmic chance. God is producing something in you through that situation, "...we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" Romans 5:3-4.

As I've been meditating on this truth about my anger, I have noticed less anxiousness and bitterness. I understand that I can't worry about how something today is going to effect tomorrow, because I don't have tomorrow. I only have today. "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" Matthew 6:24. I also know that no matter the circumstance, God knows how it will play out. All I'm required to do is trust and have faith in His working. If I'm doing that, then there is no need to get angry because I know He is working it together for my good and His will, and in that I'm satisfied in Him which is where we should be as Christians.

So, you can pray for me by praying against my anger. Ask God to forgive me when I do get angry, and for me to understand He is in control 100%. Until next time.

•     •     •

I feel like I need to address me drinking for the sake of it being a stumbling block. I'm of legal age to drink, and I'm not being a drunkard or getting drunk (Ephesians 5:18, Galatians 5:19-20, among other verses). Drinking is not a sin. It becomes a sin when we abuse it, just like all good things (Ecclesiastes 9:7, 10:19). If you have any questions about this let me know and I'd be happy to talk through it with you. I am not giving the impression that drinking to get drunk and partying is OK! Just thought I'd clarify.

My Story: Part 6

• If you are just joining us, it would be a good idea to read the intro through part 5 to get an idea of why and what is happening!

Sorry for the long delay, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas! Picking the story up from the last post, God grabbed hold of me on Huntington Beach during that spring break trip.

When we left Huntington Beach, we had a 23 hour day driving straight from HB to Phoenix then to Colorado Springs. I had about 16 hours that day to reflect, and for 16 hours I was shown just how backwards I really was.

We've all heard it - "you can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" Cliche', but it can drive the point I think. Saying you're a Christian doesn't mean anything unless there is real fruit to back up that statement. How can you be a farmer if nothing is growing in your crop? If your soil remains barren, unkept, not watered or plowed? If you don't have a weird looking tan? Same thing with Christianity. How can you be a follower of Christ, but not have any growth or fruit in your life to show for it? For the entire previous year this was me.

The drive was hard and comforting at the same time. I was humbled but also relieved. There is a God, and he is so interested in my heart that he would allow me to go through a year like I had just to show me at the end how righteous and amazing he is. I knew the next decision I made would be either to follow him or to walk away; however, there wasn't any more explanation needed for me to see that what I was doing was not right. I wanted what He had to offer.

The months following I started going back to theMILL, started hanging out with better friends and better influences, having real quiet times reading the bible or listening to sermons online. I was attending church and learning what it really means to be Christian. I started seeking the real Jesus; the Jesus who was around my whole life waiting patiently and calling my heart every day, even when I didn't even know it.

Back to farming, I think there is a pre-conceved notion that if you're a Christian, things are easy going. Life is grand. There is nothing wrong because "you have Jesus." While maintaining a farm, there will be days where you till and plow, plant seeds, water, rake, pull weeds, put in work and have no green sprouts shooting from the ground to show for it. There may be times when droughts suck life directly out of your crop, and heat bears down on you in the long days on the field making you question if it isn't just easier to hit the grocery store. There could be years even when things just don't go "your way", and when balancing the books you realize you didn't make a noticeable profit from your work that year.

I'll be straight forward and honest with you: following Jesus is hard. I'd almost say it is harder than not being a Christian. When you say "yes" to Christ, there isn't a magical force field that surrounds you where bad and difficult things cannot penetrate through. When you say "yes", what you are also saying is "no" to yourself. Christianity is a constant battle of dying to yourself and your sinful nature. It's constantly returning to the plow and watering the seeds so that fruit is produced. A peach tree doesn't grow and sprout juicy peaches in a day, nor does a walk with Jesus begin and end in a few hours of bible study.

There is a reason that we are told to put on the full armor of God (Epesians 6:11-17) and to fight the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12), CHRISTIANITY IS HARD! It is a war! - more on this to come later on.

Since becoming a Christian, and deciding I was in it for real, that I would follow Jesus and His commands the best I could, I haven't looked back. I have experienced a satisfaction far superior to anything I could have received before Him. A void in my life has been filled, not just supplemented, and let me tell you friends, that feeling is indescribable.

Even though I am a Christian I still lust, I still covet, I still try to appease my sinful nature. I will continue to struggle with sin for the rest of my life, especially the sin that I am so familiar with, like that of an unfortunate friend. But the good news is that I have someone to lean on for help defeating that sin, whereas before Christ I had nobody who had that power. I have someone to turn to when difficult times arise, who can walk with me. I want to be clear that I'm not boasting in my sin, I don't use Christ as a get out of jail free card, I boast in His willingness to save me from my sin even when I don't deserve it, and His grace to teach me not to sin anymore.

•     •     •

This is my story so far; everything I have been through that has shaped my walk. I hope that reading this He was able to speak into your heart. I pray He was able to use what I have experienced to teach you about His grace.

If you aren't a Christian, if you don't believe in Jesus, this all probably seems like hocus pocus. An invisible guy who can save your life from something called sin. I get it, I was there. I didn't want to believe He was real. But truth be told, He is very real.

**Do me one favor if you are having a hard time believing, or if you feel a weird tug on your heart to dig in a bit deeper...

Read the book "The Case For Christ" by Lee Strobel. I promise you, and guarantee you, by the end of it you will have second thoughts about this whole "Jesus thing." (http://tinyurl.com/aqk2nlt)

If you are interested in diving deeper, but don't want to buy the book, or don't have the money to, PLEASE email me at seanwaldronup@gmail.com and I will get you this book.

Also, if you don't have a bible and can't afford one and want one, email me at the same address.

God bless you guys, I hope reading "My Story" has affected you in some positive way. I will continue to post on this blog different discussions that will be geared at diving deeper with Jesus. So until the next one, thank you for reading this whole series!

Sean

My Story: Part 5

• If you are just joining us, you should probably read the introduction - Part 4 to understand why and what is happening!

Picking up from where we left off last time, I had my first real encounter with Jesus and accepted him into my heart. But, I wasn't ready to commit yet. I put on the bathing suit, climbed the ladder, but wasn't ready to jump off the hi-dive into the deep end of the pool.

For the next couple of months I was on fire. I really was. A new sensation was over taking me, I felt a change inside that I couldn't explain at the time, but I didn't care! I was becoming a believer. But, being a believer is the first little step. True faith isn't just BELIEVING in Jesus, it is relying completely and utterly on Him alone for EVERYTHING and making a commitment to follow. I can believe that food will satisfy my hunger all day long, but until I sink my teeth into the sandwich, chew and swallow, I will continue to be hungry and unsatisfied. Same with Christianity and Jesus; I can believe that there is a God and there is Jesus, but without following and truly seeking His will I'll continue living life MY way and not experiencing true saving grace.

So, I continued to stumble. It was slow at first after spring break, but soon enough I found myself hanging out at parties with friends, drinking, and chasing after girls. Praise God, I didn't and haven't had sex again, but motives were still selfish through the end of my freshman year and beginning semester of sophomore year in college.

A year later, almost to the day of when I accepted Jesus into my heart the first time, He came roaring into my life again. He never left, but he waited patiently for another year while I was like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:6) selfishly trying to figure out MY way instead of submitting to His.

Spring Break of sophomore year I took a road trip with my good buddy out to Huntington Beach, California. We stayed a night in Las Vegas on the way out of Colorado before hitting the west coast. It was here when I would start to feel the weight of my actions for the past year. We had a lot to drink that night. -I might take a second out to say that I've never been a binge drinker. I drank and/or partied maybe 2 or 3 times a month, so I don't want you to get the wrong impression. However, I do hope I make the point that drinking to get drunk is sinning, and that is what I was doing.-  We walked around the strip all night until 4 in the morning completely drunk. It was all good fun; that is what I chalked it up to be. In my mind, I wasn't doing anything really THAT bad...

I think we can get sucked into rating sin. Stuff like speeding is a small sin, being drunk is a smaller sin, sex before marriage is a medium sin, and then murder and the obvious ones are huge sins. As long as we stay in the 1s and 2s of sin, we will be alright. But, let me propose something, or really let me relay what Jesus says about sin: the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23).

There isn't a distinction of sin in this verse. He doesn't say the wages of sin on the scale factor 5 and above is death, and 1- 4 is a slap on the wrist. If I sin, what I deserve as my wage is separation from God, the only one capable of saving. So, my "good fun" in Vegas, as harmless as it was by worldly standards, was really me walking directly opposite of true lasting life.

I couldn't put words to the weight I felt that night, and the few nights afterward in Huntington Beach, but I know now.

We went to bed that morning (or late that night), and woke up 6 hours later to finish our drive out to the beach. The next couple days, God started to show up more and more. I didn't know why, but I was feeling responsible. Responsible for my actions the past year, responsible for allowing myself to sin so frequently; responsible for saying "yes" to God, and then turning around and acting like I never said anything.

The beach has a weird way of speaking. It beckons you to be free, to enjoy what is before you to the full extent; to soak in everything and not miss a minute. God was doing the same thing to me.

My Story: Part 4

• If you are just joining us, it would be a good idea to read through the introduction - Part 3 to get an understanding of why and what is happening!

I had no idea what to do. I just broke up with someone I spent over a year of my life with. I relied on this someone for saving me, and in the blink of an eye I no longer had my "rock" to hold on to. I was completely lost.

You see, because of my past of not having a womanly presence in my life (dad got custody in the divorce) and my social insecurities of needing to feel included or wanted, I looked to women for that security. I fed off of having a girl in my life who could be the one I turned to when things started getting rocky. This is what I knew, this is what was comfortable for me, this was my "saving grace." But God showed up in an incredible way after the break up; I definitely didn't think so at the time, but He began to show me that saving grace comes from nobody but him.

Spring break was incredibly hard, but luckily I had a good friend who stepped in to fill the gap. The Friday before break actually started he coaxed me into going to TheMILL with him. TheMILL is a college gathering here in Colorado Springs. I didn't want to go; I was heartbroken and just wanted to figure things out on my own. But, my friend wasn't going to let me off that easily. He assured me that I would enjoy it. So I went.

That night was the first night I met Christ.

I wasn't a Christian. I believed there was a "higher power," but I definitely didn't subscribe to this Jesus stuff and I wasn't really looking to. But Jesus had a different plan for me. It was like the sermon that night was written directly for me. I remember feeling shocked, maybe even a little bit scared because everything that was coming out of the college pastors mouth spoke directly to what I was going through; he was speaking to me. There wasn't anything he said that night I could brush off like it didn't matter. Every single word hit me in the center of my chest, sank deep into my soul, and started brewing.

I could feel it. I could literally feel my heart burning, like it was the only thing living inside of me. What the heck was going on? I felt like the world was opening back up; like I was locked in a room without windows in pitch black, and suddenly the door was cracking open spilling a sliver of light inside. I remember starting to cry.

I never felt something so intense, something so captivating. It was filling me up, but I couldn't get enough of it! This was God's love being poured out on me in an incredibly tangible way. He was saying, "I'm available, and if you come to me I will never let you go."

After TheMILL had ended, my buddy and I hung out that Friday night until about 4 in the morning drinking mate' at our hang out spot in Manitou Springs. I was asking him questions, he was telling me about God, and the whole night was steeped in a weird peace I couldn't quite put my finger on but I wasn't looking to get away from it. I accepted Jesus into my heart that night.

But, unfortunately, I don't think I really meant it.

My Story: Part 3

• If you are just joining us, it would be a good idea to read through the intro and parts 1 and 2 to get an idea of what is happening, and why it is happening!

Jumping right back in where we left off, I started senior year.

This is going to be a hard post for me. Transparency is the only option, and I pray that God can use what is said for His glory, and that He can speak to you where you are at, especially if you find yourself in a similar situation.

Before we start, I have to say first how incredibly sorry I am to the women who I have treated so unfairly. In my selfishness I stole from you what did not belong to me, what only belongs to your (future) husband. I have done a terrible job of leading and expressing to you God's purpose and love that He has for you, and I can never give back what I've taken. I pray that God can heal you and any pain I have caused, and I pray He can redeem that part of you. I am so sorry.

To those of you who I have affected, and to the women who are reading this now, I want you to know that you are princesses. Not in the Disney sense with flowing dresses and wands and such, but in the way that you belong to the greatest King that has ever lived and will ever live, and you should be treated no less than how a princess should be treated. If you get anything from this blog, I hope this is it. There is so much in the world that says otherwise, but don't be fooled, you are worth so much more.

Up until senior year I didn't have sex. I did pretty much everything but have sex, but I never went the full way. Senior year however, I finally hit the point where I couldn't return. I lost my virginity.

Now, I'm not saying that fooling around with someone is ok as long as you don't go all the way, I want to make that clear. Every time I merely thought about a woman in a sexual manner, I was stealing a part of her that didn't (doesn't) belong to me for Jesus says, "I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).

I say "finally hit the point where I couldn't return" because sex means so much more than fooling around. Sex is a covenant between husband and wife that for the rest of their lives they belong to each other exclusively and they get to enjoy each other fully. Sex is a reward, and you aren't supposed to experience that reward until you have promised to lay your life down for your other half for the rest of the time you're here on earth. Just like a child will spoil dinner if he eats his dessert first. -I plan on doing a post, or series of posts, exploring this a bit further in the future of this blog, so for now I am going to leave it at this and continue with 'My Story'.

I wish this was the only time I had sex, but it was not. I had sex with two more girls in my senior year of high school through the first half of freshman year in college. I do not wear this title proud. I wear it shamefully, and regrettably. I wear it humbly, and can only ask for forgiveness. On my wedding day, my wife will have to look into my eyes, and I will look into hers knowing she will not be the first one I give myself fully to.

Apart from my relationships, I partied more my senior year, and I smoked weed for the first time. I did it to satisfy the insecurities inside of me. The one time I can clearly remember using it turned out to be very dangerous. The guys who offered it to me had a party-hard reputation, and I had to make sure I lived up to that reputation, so I didn't ask many questions. I have never felt more out of control of my own body. It may have been the scariest most intense thing I have ever experienced inside of my skin. To this day, I don't know if it was laced with any other drugs, but the consensus around that night within my group of friends was that it was. I went to stupid lengths to fill that insecurity of not fitting in with the strong possibility of serious consequences. I praise God that I didn't use it more than a couple times at a couple parties, and that I don't have an addictive personality that got me hooked to it.

Senior year was a valley in my life, but at the time it seemed like a mountain top. The funny thing about sin is that it is so enjoyable in the moment that you are essentially blind to what it is really doing to you. If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water it will jump out immediately. If you put it in cold water and heat it gradually until it is boiling, the frog won't have a clue what is happening. This is essentially what happens when you continually sin without repenting and turning away. Small sins continually add up, and before you know it, things that were once pure and special don't matter as much as they used to. You sear your conscience. Mine was seared, and there was nothing I was doing or could do to bring myself back. And I wasn't seeking to find a way back.

The week before spring break of my freshman year in college, my girlfriend and I broke up. I didn't know at that specific time what was really happening, but looking back, this was the precise moment when God started calling me into a personal relationship with Him.

My Story: Part 2

• If you are just joining us, it would probably be a good idea to read the introduction and part 1 to get an idea of why and what is happening!

Picking right up from where we left off, I entered high school as an insecure freshman. There was that normal insecurity any freshman feels about being the little fish and wondering how to survive in "High School" because of all the horror stories, but I also had a different insecurity. I had a deep rooted unhealthy desire to be included, and to be included I would do anything.

The way to be included was to be cool, correct? We found out in part 1 what cool meant, and I was ready to figure out how to be cool in high school.

Shortly after school started, captains practices for hockey began. Now, for those of you who have never set foot into a locker room with upwards of 25 adolescent boys, I will be the first to tell you it isn't the Disney channel. The locker room is a place to wave your banner of who you slept with the past weekend, or hand out high fives from the most graphic party stories, etc. In the locker room, I was introduced to that "do anything" attitude needed to quench my need for inclusion.

Before we continue about the locker room, we have to go over a crucial event at the start of the hockey season that trained me to think and do as I did for the rest of my high school career. The seniors of the team my freshman year started an annual weekend camping trip for the hockey team their freshman year. At the beginning of every hockey season they would throw a party on the Friday night before, wake up, drive to the site and camp until Sunday night, and be back for school the following week. I got my invitation, and I took it.

I had never had a beer in my life, but on that Friday night, I had several. The boys on the hockey team were my idols, and I didn't want to let them down, so I binged. I drank to the point of passing out. I don't know when or how I passed out, but what I do remember is waking up behind a couch. This may seem comical, and I would lie if I didn't see some kind of slap-jack humor in someone waking up behind a couch and not remembering how they got there, but here is the real deal: I was willing to let myself go to the point of passing out from drinking because I was too scared of being called a "puss" from upper-classmen (and their friends) on the hockey team. I was 13 years old.

For some, this isn't that small a number because you might be around that age, but when you are in your 20s, you realize how young 13 is. And there is nothing funny about a 13 year old passing out from alcohol.

The rest of the weekend was spent camping, and drinking. Again, I had never had a beer in my life up to that Friday night, and by the time Sunday night rolled around, I had been close to the point of alcohol poisoning from liquor and beer two nights in a row.

But, I was cool. And that is what mattered.

For the next 4 years of High School, I was with the hockey team day in and day out. In the locker room I learned that the point of relationships with women was to see how far you could get with them. The junior and senior classes my freshman/sophomore years kept a notebook between them with a point system on who did what with who. I learned that being a prude was a joke, and if you weren't "bangin chicks" you were gay. I learned that being popular was the point of high school, and to be popular you had to be the guy who went the farthest whether it be partying, sex, drugs, whatever.

I thought that the more I could become this picture of a "man", the more I would have as far as popularity or self-confidence, or whatever I was searching for. Really, I thought this would make me satisfied. But, little did I know that with each second I subjected myself to these things, I was killing more and more of my conscience; I was building up higher walls in my heart; I was feeding this monster inside of me that only grew bigger and was never full.

Up to my junior year, I had kept a somewhat low status of promiscuity (by worldly standards only, and compared to what others were doing), but my senior year of high school was where the culmination of pressures of sex, drugs, and partying would come to a head, and I would finally fall to a point of no coming back.

My Story: Part 1

• If you are just joining us, it would probably be a good idea to start with the introduction to 'My Story' to get an idea of what is happening, and why it is happening.


My parents are divorced, and have been since I was around two years old. I am also an only child. So, growing up has had its challenges.

To say the least, my family life has been a broken one.

As I stated before, I didn't grow up a Christian. I didn't grow up religious at all. My mom took me to Catholic church a couple times, but I was too young to understand religion, and being at home with my dad the subject wasn't brought up. As a result, Godly values were foreign to me, and because of this I had no bearing on what was ultimately right or wrong.

At a very young age (around 5 or 6) I was introduced to pornography. I had ready access to magazines and websites that I shouldn't have had access to. I learned and saw things I shouldn't have known at that age, and shouldn't even know until I am married. This early access to porn had birthed in me a lust that would grow and grow into a seemingly unquenchable monster.

I'm assuming you guys didn't think this was going to get this heavy so quickly, but I'll quote Jimmy Needham, and incredible Christian artist, when he was asked why he talks openly about his previous addiction to porn and he says, "who else is going to, if I don't?" And because God has charged me to tell everything, here goes. It's gonna get dirty.

I don't have an addictive personality, so I can't say for a fact that I was "addicted" to porn, but I excessively indulged in my lust starting from my early exposure to it. What I wouldn't understand, until God revealed the truth after I started following him, was the incredible insecurity that would develop from my lustful appetite. I had a skewed vision of a woman. The beauty of a woman was completely perverted to me now. Instead of being God's pure, gentle, beautiful creation, I looked at "her" as a sexual object to feed my selfish desires.

The more I stole that pure, intended beauty from women in the form of lust, the more I became insecure about my relationships with women (or in this case girls). I didn't know how to treat a girl, because what I knew was what I saw in movies or in magazines. The friends I hung out with also gave into their lust, so I didn't have a community around me pushing me towards a righteous mindset. I wasn't learning at home, at school, or anywhere else the correct way to treat a woman, and it was setting me up for some of the biggest falls in my life.

My insecurity in relationships with girls bled over into an insecurity with myself. This is a result of sin that is sometimes overlooked I think. Sin is a turning away from God, essentially you are trying to act on your own as if you know better instead of relying on his solid, infallible word to guide you Romans 14:23 "...for whatever does not proceed from faith is sin." Because I was turning away from Him and trying to do relationships my way, what I had to go on was what my friends said was cool, or worthy.  I was worthy only if I was cool. I was cool if I looked at porn. I was cool if I swore. I was cool if I listened to punk rock and skated (skate boarded) where I wasn't supposed to.

 My whole goal was to be cool, so in turn I would be accepted. I feared so much that I wouldn't be accepted, that I wouldn't be popular, and this drive to be accepted only fueled my lustful and perverted passions through elementary and middle school. What I didn't know was God holds the ultimate acceptance, He holds the satisfaction that porn or popularity would never be able to give me.

In high school, I would start to learn how unsatisfactory the way I was heading was.

My Story: Introduction

The first time I remember hearing God's voice was when I was 8ish years old. The night before, I was at skate night at Skate City. I grew up at Skate City. It was my second home; I've played hockey since I was 4 years old, and I spent most of my evenings and weekends playing for the travel/rec leagues there during my years before high school. I also spent every Friday night, 6-10pm, hanging with my friends from school and skating my brains out. So, I was definitely familiar with the staff and venue. I knew exactly when there would be somebody behind the prize counter, and more importantly (in my mind), when somebody wouldn't be there. Inside the glass case was a clear bouncy ball with a snake floating in the middle. I wanted it. You don't need to read minds to guess what happened next.

I found the precise moment when I wouldn't be seen, reached my hand over the counter and into the case and grabbed the bouncy ball and quickly stuck it into my pocket. It didn't come out for the rest of the night for fear that somebody would see and know I stole it. The next day at my mom's town home, I was playing with it, and inside me grew a sting that my conscience tried as hard as it could to push down. I don't think I have ever actually heard God's voice, but this day I am sure HE was the one speaking to me. "Why did you steal that bouncy ball?" He kept asking me, and I kept trying to get around it. Finally I said, "I'm sorry God for stealing this!" And I chucked that bad boy down the street. I wish this was the turning point in my life when I would follow Jesus, but it wasn't. I wasn't a Christian then, which is what intrigues me so much about this event. God was speaking to me, yet, I had no idea who He was.

•   •   • 

God has asked me to share my story with you, to disclose everything that has happened in my life that has lead me to a relationship with the very real Jesus, and into his saving faith. So, this blog is going to be that story. I am hoping what is said here will effect you in an extraordinary way, that God would speak to you through the events He has allowed me to experience so you would know you aren't alone, and that his grace abounds. This isn't in any way intended to bring me fame, fortune, exposure, etc., but it is merely for the fact that God intends to use me to bring His gospel to you, and to show that I am a product of His perfect grace. I would like to quote Mo Isom from her 'my story' blog and say that 'I am a witness. I am a vessel. I am just one of His many tools - and proudly so.'

Over the next few weeks, I will be going through my life and giving you my testimony of how the Lord has saved me. I can't pinpoint the exact moment where I became a Christian; what I do have are places in my life where God took me to show me how much I needed Him, and through those places has formed (and has been forming) my heart to mold directly to His. 

*DISCLAIMER* This blog is probably going to get a bit dirty. I want to first ask that my readers, if you see something that could pertain to you (friends, past relationships, family) do not take it as me trying to throw you under the bus. I want to assure you that I won't be bashing anyone in this blog. God's goodness and glory is the point to be reached, and unfortunately (or fortunately, really) I have learned the hard way in a lot of instances. 

God charged Paul in his ministry to "not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent for I am with you,..." (Acts 18:9). I am a musician, and on this stage, we see a lot of people succumb to the brief glory of finite fame instead of relishing in the everlasting infinite glory of the real reason we were put here: God. I don't want to be one of those musicians. I want to proclaim proudly "Him", without being scared when 'my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, "where is your God?"' Psalm 42:10. I wan't to proclaim boldly His goodness, and the best way to do that is to humbly submit yourself to His will. So, I hope that in writing this blog, He can work and speak to your heart to show how real He is. 

Sean